Cancer is hard, I think I’ve forgotten that lately. I’ve been extra hard on myself for feeling down or sick or not up to doing things and not blogging, but then I remember that this shit sucks. People won’t really understand it until it happens to them, and I really truly hope it doesn’t. I hate cancelling plans because I’m not feeling up to it or I’d rather be home or I’m too sad to go out, so I force myself to do everything and anything. Today I’ve decided I’m not gonna do that anymore. I had plans to go to the gym today and if it wasn’t for my parents yelling that I need to take a break, I would probably go. I’ve been feeling pretty off my game for the past few days, I feel like I’ve been walking around in a video game almost. I feel off and I don’t really know how to place it, even typing this out right now my hands feel weird touching the keys. I don’t know how to explain it and it makes me feel even crazier that I don’t know how to describe it. I have no idea if this is cancer related or maybe I’m just normal people sick but I guess I won’t know until someone tells me. My temperature was at 93 degrees a couple of hours ago and it’s slowly been climbing back up to normal but something just doesn’t feel right. I would straight up rather peel my fingernails off then head to the hospital, so for the moment I’m just going to actually rest. Forget about going to the gym, or canceling plans but just rest. Maybe I’m depressed? Who really knows though. I’ve just been very off and I can’t place it. Hopefully I’m just very dehydrated and I’ll keep sipping on this Pedialyte like a hungover baby and I’ll make a miraculous recovery later today.
On the up side I only have two radiation sessions left and then this part of the journey is DONE. I couldn’t be more excited to finally have cancer free days where I can have a routine that doesn’t revolve around the c-word. I got asked the other day by another patient what my plans were for when I was done because she said she’s been planning trips since this all started so she has something to look forward to once it’s all over. I know I originally said I was planning a trip to Turks & Caicos but because of that storm those plans seem to have fell to the wayside and now I’m kind of just taking everything day by day. Not making plans for the future just looking to get to tomorrow and then the next day and then the next day. And maybe when I get to that day I’ll feel better and then I’ll start planning, but for the moment I just want to get to the end of radiation, and then get to my next doctor’s appointment and I think by that point I’ll feel accomplished enough to put something in the books. I know my entries are usually happier, funnier, but I want to convey to you my actual feelings and my real thoughts during this whole process because this shit ain’t easy.
I hit another hurdle the week before Christmas where my skin was too burnt to continue with radiation so I had to take a week off. I really wanted to continue like a champion but my doctor said it would just continue to get more painful and my skin would eventually crack open. VOMIT. No thanks. So, I took the break as if it was a Christmas present and waited out the 6 more I had left. I started back up after New Year’s even though I wanted to leave that shit in 2017. A few days in 2018 can’t really ruin a whole year, can it?
Just to give you guys more of a picture of what radiation is like I’ve sort of compared it to a science experiment. The chemo process of the treatment was easier in the sense that it was straight forward. I went in, sat in the waiting room, walked in, nurses were over friendly, the stuck me with a needle and I sat there as I was being filled with the drugs. Radiation has the same start to a point, I walk in, sit in the waiting room, then I lay on a table in a freezing cold room where the techs kind of poke and move me as if I’m a frog getting ready to get sliced open by teenagers in science class. Now I don’t mean the techs aren’t friendly, they definitely are, but it’s a strange experience. Instead of the initial 4 tattoos, I have 5 now because the dot they kept marking me with kept falling off so I just asked for another one instead. So now every day I lay on the table, and they have to move me so I’m in the EXACT same position as I was the day before and then they all leave and the heavy metal door shuts and I’m in this room with a bunch of machines as they make loud awful noises, alone. Some days are longer than others and those days suck because all you’re left with are your thoughts, and those are normally cancer related because, how can they not be? At least during chemo you could talk to someone, or read, or watch TV, but during radiation you’re just left to think. And although the sessions are normally quick, sometimes they’re not and they can feel like a lifetime which is a long time to let your time wander. Here are some daily thoughts that run through my head during radiation:
It’s freezing in here, do you think they can get me a blanket? No No, waste of time. “Kimberly are you cold?” “No I’m fine, thanks!” I hate when they call me Kimberly but I especially hate when they call me Ms. Clabby. “Ok, Ms. Clabby we’re ready to start.” “OK” Why is he the ONLY one who calls me that? Also, why is he never wearing gloves? Are my nips hard? Yep, they are definitely hard. This is awkward. IT’S CAUSE IT’S COLD IN HERE. Can you put gloves on? Oh god my double chin is touching my arm. “Ms. Clabby can you please lift your chin up a little.” Fuck, was it really that bad. Am I in the same position I was in yesterday? Nope, definitely not in the same position. Should I tell them? Am I supposed to be breathing? What if I breathe too hard and they radiate my lungs by accident. OMG KIM STOP BREATHING. *Holds breathe* OMG now I can’t breathe and I’m panting. I’m gonna live to 75 and they’re gonna tell me my heart is broken cause I breathed too hard during radiation. WELL THIS HAS BEEN FUN. My shoulder hurts, my ear hurts. Don’t move don’t move. WHY IS NOTHING HAPPENING? Did they forget I’m in here? HELLOOOOOO I’m still here. Shit I moved, do I tell them? They can see me right? Should I wave? Hellooooooooo. “Ok Kimberly, we’re done for today. See you tomorrow!” “Thanks, see ya tomorrow.”
Clearly each day is a little different, but no matter what most of those go through my head. Reading it back I literally feel like I’m laying on that table with just the buzzing of the machine. Maybe that’s why I feel so off my game, I haven’t really been doing much but going to radiation every morning. Just the same thing every day over and over again. Thankfully it’s over soon and I’ll hopefully feel back to normal again.
Funny story about radiation, so every week they take “images” to make sure everything is all good. I thought this was another word they used for x-ray which I know they take too but I figured that’s what they meant. So, during one of my million and one sessions at the end I sat up and lo and behold on the screen in front of me was legit a PICTURE of me laying on the table. My face wasn’t in it and I maybe a little botched up from the surgery and the radiation but I knew for a fact that was MY BOOB; and boy oh boy did I start laughing. It legit looked like a boudoir shoot gone wrong. With both my hands behind my head and my chin slightly tilted to the left, in another world it sounds like the beginning of some sexy magazine shoot but in this case, it was not! Maybe sooner or later I’ll feel cute enough to take some photos like that again so instead of thinking of that photo of me laying on the table, I’ll be able to erase it from my brain and insert a cuter more flattering photo of myself.
The radiation changing room is weird, and every time I walk out of my treatment my mom is talking to someone else and I always walk into “Oh, this is my daughter, Kim.” I mean, it’s nice she’s talking to people but I’m so over talking cancer and in reality, what the hell else are going to talk about when you’re in that room. I mean forgive me, it is really nice and I do feel a special closeness to all these people in there even though we’re all at different stages of treatment. Yesterday, this one older lady who legit always walked in with a smile on her face had her last day and I always get happy/sad at these moments. I always get the inevitable hug because I’m the youngest one ever in there by at least 10+ years. It just leaves me feeling so overwhelmed and happy for them because they’re done; but then it makes me think about how shitty it is that we’re all in here in the first place. So, I cry, and I have to walk away with a wave because I’m really tired of breaking down in front of people I don’t know. I used to be so strong and now I just feel tired and defeated and I can cry at the snap of a finger. The week before my break, some lady who was also on her last treatment came out to say goodbye to me and asked me a normal question like “how are you doing?” and I lost my shit. Hysterical ugly scream crying in front of this lady I legit don’t know from a hole in the wall. I’m absolutely positive that was not the response she was hoping for, but it was the one she got. She was really sweet about it and I tried to compose myself as quickly as possible but it was not cute and I still think about it from time to time. There are moments in the changing room that do make me feel better though, make me feel strong again. I’ve heard from several people that they’ve also gained weight like 20+. Not that this should make me feel better, but it makes me feel less defeated, and it’s nice to know that the whole weight thing is not out of the ordinary. So, I can struggle with everyone else to get back to being in shape. I’m back on weight watchers and although it hasn’t been a long time, I’ve been doing pretty good so far. Even though I’ve been a little crazy lately, you bet I’ve still been dreaming of that yoga body so 2018, get at me.
I’ll try and continue writing and stop taking these extra-long hiatuses. Hopefully next time I’ll have a funny story for you so I can stop being this Debbie downer and cheer you all up with some laughs. I sure as hell need some.
xx
Kim