My good mood has kept despite this awful headache and the inevitable reaction I have to the drugs on day 2. Instead of looking like a blueberry like my partner Violet, I look like a tomato. My face is red, swollen, hot and itchy. It usually goes away by day 3, but day 2 in terms of body aches is usually fine so I’LL TAKE IT. Anyway, on top of yesterday being treatment #7 it was also the first day of school. I mean could you guys imagine that I would get this lucky cause uh I DIDN’T. Thankfully I’m only taking two online classes so it shouldn’t be too bad but my chemo brain on top of forgetting words has allowed me to not focus on anything. Usually I can fly through books cause I honestly love reading but I have read the first chapter of about three books since this started and have not been able to make it through. I’ve made it a little further in the one I’m on now but you would think with all this new found down time I’ve had recently I’d be able to fill a new book shelf. Well we will see how these classes go, it looks like I only have a few assignments a week for both classes and a case study for each at the end of the semester so it might be doable. BUT if anyone wants to take the classes for me I am totally open to the idea, no one has to worry about maintaining my 4.0 because one awful teacher ruined that for me last semester. Which brings me back to another issue that I definitely am not over. When I was diagnosed I was in the last two weeks of my Spring semester which was closing out with a few finals and presentations. Of course, I had to grab any and every appointment that was made available to me which usually coincided with some of my presentations. Thankfully most of my teachers were wonderful, but before I got to that point I reached a little issue with my advisor.
In the first few weeks I literally went crazy cancelling everything and anything I knew that I had on my plate. I called my kickboxing place and ended up breaking down in tears on the phone asking them to put my membership on hold, which they don’t do of course eye roll, but they promised that when I come back I will still have a month of classes left that I didn’t use and I’ll have to sign back up again, we’ll see if that happens. I also canceled my Fabletics account through their online customer service chat and when they asked why I was cancelling I was brutally honest which in retrospect I don’t think I needed to be but thank you Jake you were super understanding and didn’t make me feel weird! KUDOS. Of course, in the last few weeks I signed back up for Fabletics because I have a spending problem and need new workout clothes because “these are the only thing that fit me right now.” So, if you see me on the street and I look like I’m off to the gym, surprise, I’m not! Anyway, when I found out I also emailed my advisor to let him know everything that was happening and asked him to pass along the message to my professors because I really wasn’t in the mood to write out 5 different emails informing them all that I wouldn’t be in class. He was understanding in the first paragraph and then the second one came with a little bit of a shock, “you may have to take an incomplete for this semester.” EXCUSE ME, an incomplete? I literally have TWO weeks left of this semester, you have got to be kidding me. Well, that pissed me off so I decided to wait a few days and send out emails to the rest of my professors to let them know and also inform them that I probably wouldn’t be able to make any of my presentations. They were all so understanding and accommodating it was unreal. Even my accounting professor who I can’t say was my favorite human in the world sent me multiple emails for the next few weeks just checking in on how I was AND even let me take my online final earlier to get it out of the way! I ended up only going to one class to take my final exam and my professor who really reminded me of Ms. Frizzle from The Magic School Bus was well aware of my situation. To be honest I’m sure it’s just as awkward for them as it is for me but she said nothing even as I said my goodbye and handed in my final. Let’s be honest I barely studied but I did what I could with the help of some of my colleagues in class and left. I did not expect to get anything less than an A. So when final grades were posted I was pretty confident that I would still hold my 4.0 that I had been for the last 4 semesters. SURPRISE that professor gave me a B+ as my final grade. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You couldn’t bump it one grade point after everything? Ms. Frizzle I officially am getting off your bus. Still mad, I can’t even remember if I emailed her to ask what the hell happened. I know my mom was fuming to the point she wanted to make a phone call but I wouldn’t let that happen because reminder I’m 26 years old, even though I really wanted her to curse this lady out. So, if you were wondering I didn’t get an incomplete for the semester so suck it advisor, but I only have a 3.913 GPA and I will never see that 4.0 again.
Some people really suck when it comes down to it. I know it’s an awkward situation and no one really knows what to say but come on, if you think you feel uncomfortable think about how I feel. I know when this was new to me I did have moments where I would just blurt it out in the middle of text conversations and I think it was mostly because I didn’t want people to think I was being weird or distant. I just wanted them to know, hey this is what’s going on in my life so if I’m not being the normal crazy Kim Clabby you know, this is why. Besides for the minor setback in my academic career I really haven’t had that many AWFUL situations when it came to telling people because as I’ve said numerous times, everyone has really been amazing and gone above and beyond for me. People have legit come out of the woodwork to wish me well and it’s been an incredibly humbling experience. There was just one interaction that I really didn’t expect from a very long-term friend. She was one of the first people I told about my situation and her response was literally “Wow, that sucks,” and I haven’t heard from her since. Wild right, like I truly understand how awkward and shocking it must be to hear someone say those words to you but there are things to say and things not to say, and that for sure is on the no-no list. Don’t worry ya’ll, I know she doesn’t read this so I’m not sub-tweeting her or anything cause she’ll never know!
Obviously, things bother me just like everyone else and now that I have a platform to talk about it WHY WOULD I KEEP IT BOTTLED UP. But I promise I am done for the moment and I’ll move on to some other advice that I would like to share with everyone. While on this journey I have been doing some research on my good days just to see what everyone else that’s going through a similar situation is doing and it honestly is mind blowing how many young women have been walking in my shoes. I know young women are more likely to post about their experiences online than the older generation but it really is scary to see how many people are affected not only from breast cancer but all cancers alike. So, as I have urged you all before and will continue to do so forever now, please go to your doctors and make sure you have at least your yearly checkups. I know a lot of you hate going to the doctor and trust me, you are not alone in that situation, the doctor’s office is officially my second home now but I am so grateful that I found it when I did and will go to the doctor’s office everyday if it means I can be done with this. Because breast cancer is unfortunately so common nowadays, especially on Long Island I urge you all to do self-examinations! Trust me, I really have no idea how to do it either and I am glad I decided to shove my hand in my armpit a few months ago. If you don’t know how I’ve added a link here of some ways to help and if that’s still not enough ASK YOUR DOCTOR, that’s what they’re there for. I always hated calling my doctor with questions before this but that is literally why you go to the doctor, to make sure you’re ok and if you can be helping yourself on your own, why wouldn’t you do that? I just don’t want anyone to have to go through what I’m going through especially any of you guys, because you’re now all on my team and I’m selfish and can’t lose you. The age for women to start getting mammograms is 40, that’s crazy, imagine if I didn’t feel that lump in my armpit and that’s when I needed to start going in to get checked. Let’s be honest that would not be a good situation. All the doctors and nurses I’ve been talking to have been saying how many young women have been coming in lately with breast cancer, this year alone they’ve seen more young women with breast cancer than in the past five years. So if you think you don’t have to worry, I would change that thinking immediately. I know it’s scary but if you start doing self-examinations now you’ll know what to look for and what doesn’t feel right if it ever comes to that point. It also takes like five minutes and you can do it in the shower, so it’s really not wasting you anytime. So, START NOW PLEASE.
After yesterday I’m already up to $6,594 for my Avon 39: The Walk To End Breast Cancer. That is INSANE, so I thank you once again. I’m really chugging along on my donations and did not think that I could possibly raise this much money, I am truly floored. I would love to be a top donor which I know is a stretch but once again I will ask you guys to donate if you would like to, any amount, big or small will help me on my mission and will help out with the fight against breast cancer. My personal page is here so click on it and donate if you are so willing. OPEN THOSE WALLETS, just kidding. Thank you again.
I promise to continue updating you all more regularly because I am really hoping that this uphill swing I am on this rollercoaster lasts until the end. I am extremely anxious but excited that this chemo journey is coming to a close. I know the surgery is going to be scary and it is still up in the air about which way I’m going when it comes to the reconstruction but I am beyond ready for that part of the journey. I know having the tissue expanders in is going to suck but at least it brings me closer to the end result. Also really not looking forward to laying on my back for the foreseeable future as I am a very huge advocate of the face down starfish method of sleeping but it will just be one more thing to get used to.
Love to all of you and get to feeling those breasties
xoxo
Kim Clabby