It’s crazy to think that I’m already two weeks out of surgery, I can’t decide if it feels like forever or like it was yesterday. My drains are out as of yesterday so I literally feel like a new person, they were weighing me down both figuratively and literally. My doctor said that everything is healing up great AND they filled up both my expanders yesterday with 150 cc. I have no idea what that means but I’m no longer completely flat chested and there’s a tiny bit of boob peeking through my shirt. I am also extremely excited to not have to wear a bra which I have already been taking full advantage of today. To be honest the outcome so far looks incredible; it literally looks like someone just deflated my boobs. You can barely see the incision and I have my nipples and all my weird freckles are still intact. It’s real wild to think that I could have been botched up like some of the pictures we saw from the plastic surgeon at Sloan. I have never been more content with a decision and I am real thankful that my mom pushed me to get a second opinion.
Now when I say the results look great that’s all from what I can see looking down. I have not looked in the mirror yet without my shirt off and I think it’s going to take me a very long time to do that. I’m not someone who enjoys mirrors anyway and has definitely become a champion of avoiding looking in them. I know exactly how to divert my eyes so I won’t see myself in one, no matter where I am. Clearly this is an issue I’ve been dealing with long before cancer and something that has definitely gotten harder recently. I know I’ve been focusing on my weight a lot and so many people, once I exclaim how large I’ve gotten recently, tell me to just focus on getting better but it’s very difficult. Today was especially hard, as I was showering I looked down and saw my middle, now I’m not sure if my giant boobs were just in the way so I never really got a good look at my stomach but something tells me that THIS was not here before. Obviously, you can’t see me but I’m currently grabbing at my sides. I haven’t put on jeans since before surgery so I’m sure I’m going to be in for a pleasant surprise when they don’t fit me and I’m forced to continue my sweat pant binge. I’ve been trying to do what I can to help with my added poundage. Next week I’m starting another meal plan and I’ve been trying to walk every day. It was hard to lose weight before all this shit and it’s become what feels like impossible to do it now. Food sometimes feels like my only thing I have control over cause if I want a burger, I’m gonna eat a burger. Whereas now a days, if I want to lift my arms up over my head, I can’t. Or if I want to go for a run, I can’t. There’s just so many things I can’t do, eating whatever I want at that second feels like some sort of control. It sounds really crazy coming out of my mouth, but that’s how I feel. I have very little control over the situations going on around me, so what I can control, I’m going to. I am not going to let this win, so my added pounds and my new fluff will eventually be gone. I’m not going to buy bigger clothes so I need to stop eating and start working out again ASAP. I have been going on walks a lot lately which has been nice, but I’m not someone who enjoys moving slow either. Now that I’m slightly able to move a little bit more I know I’m going to push myself to go to yoga soon, or go for a run. I need it and so do my pants.
It’s October which means it’s breast cancer awareness month and I haven’t really figured out how I feel about it yet. The end of September came and went, and oblivious me forgot that October meant it’s time for everyone to wear their pink clothes all month. Before this I literally have never owned a single piece of pink clothing in my life, today my pink collection is still very limited and I only have one shirt that someone gave to me. Still not a fan of pink and I’m not sure if I enjoy watching everyone else wear pink all month. I’m more concerned on why breast cancer has a whole month dedicated it and why other cancers don’t? I’m sure there’s a reason, or maybe there are other months dedicated to other cancers. I could look it up but I’m staying away from google for a while. Its great people are donating money and it’s raising awareness, but how much is it really doing. Before I had cancer so many Octobers came and went and I literally didn’t think twice about it, how terrible that sounds now but it’s true. I didn’t wear pink, I probably rolled my eyes when someone suggested it and I didn’t go on any walks. And now here I am begging people to go on walks and donate, wearing pink, and committing to walk the Avon 39 next year. I just hope that this blog or my consistent chatter in the back of your head of “go to the doctor” stays with you and hopefully helps someone.
My hairs growing back! It’s actually coming in a lot quicker than I thought. I currently have some peach fuzz and I am really enjoying pretending it’s longer and finally using shampoo again. My eyelashes and eyebrows are taking a little longer than I would like. I even think I’ve lost more eyelashes in the past few weeks which is upsetting. It’s hard to take things day by day and be thankful that my hairs growing in because all I keep thinking about is the future. I don’t know what it holds but I keep thinking negatively and it’s hard to get out of that mindset. I keep thinking about how I’m not going to have hair for that wedding in March or I’m not going to have boobs for that wedding next month or I’m not going to be able to go camping again next year. I know I should just be thinking about right now and be grateful that things haven’t been harder and that chemo is over and that surgery #1 went out off without a hitch but it's very very hard.
My best friend said something to me the other day that’s stuck with me, “How is this not over yet?” I really don’t know. When I think about the beginning of this adventure, I really thought it was going to be a quick month or two ordeal and we’d all look back on it and smile together and be glad it was over, but here I am 8 months in and the finish line keeps getting pushed further and further away. I know I’ve said this before but it’s hard to have expectations when dealing with cancer because you really don’t know what is going to happen. I got cancer expected to just have a mastectomy and call it a day. All of you know that wasn’t the case so we went with chemo, great had chemo and the mastectomy and expected to be done with it. NOPE, let’s throw some radiation and potentially more surgery in the loop and now we’re here. Which brings me to the news I received today.
There was always talk about radiation with my case, before during and after chemo. For some reason, no doctor has a definite answer of the best course of treatment when it’s spread to your lymph nodes. They chose to do chemo first because they wanted to potentially remove all signs of cancer from my lymph nodes, which obviously wasn’t successful but it was better than when this all started. Now we were all left the question of, what’s the next best step. There are four options of which the outcomes are still questionable. I could do nothing and just go for the last surgery. I could get radiation and then the last surgery. I could get all the rest of my lymph nodes taken out and then the last surgery OR I could get all the rest of my lymph nodes taken out AND radiation and then the last surgery. I am pretty against anything that requires removing all my lymph nodes. My surgeon at Weill Cornell is in agreement with me on that part, she would really like to avoid this extra surgery. My oncologist at Sloan thinks differently and thinks that it might be a good idea. The kicker of all of this is that, there is a 20% chance that I could get chronic lymphedema and I would be dealing with chronic pain for the REST OF MY LIFE. Check please! I’ll be getting the fuck out of here. I still have it in my head that I will not be doing that, the legit only way someone could take out the rest of my lymph nodes at this point is if they knocked me out and did the surgery without my knowledge or if they told me that they were 100% certain the cancer was in my lymph nodes, otherwise I’m keeping all these bad boys. Before cancer I have already had major problems with my wrists and arms. I truly feel like I have arthritis and the chemo has made this pain and discomfort so much worse. Now you want me to take the chance of dealing with chronic pain for the rest of my life. Kindly, fuck off. NO SHOT. I have a bunch of appointments with oncologists scheduled for the next two weeks to see what their opinion on the matter is but I did get some good news today from my surgeon. She presented my case yesterday to the tumor board at Weil Cornell and two of the oncologists I’m seeing next week were there. Her cute little PA that I’ve mentioned before called me to let me know that everyone at the meeting yesterday was in agreement that extra surgery to remove the lymph nodes is not necessary and the next step should be a conversation about radiation. She’s the surgeon so she obviously can’t definitively tell me radiation is the next step but it’s pretty likely it will be. My parents are thrilled to get this news, but for some reason I’m not as thrilled as I usually am with good news. I think it’s because I was not going to go for the surgery regardless of the outcome of this meeting. I know it’s sounds so stupid to go against something the doctor tells you but I could not deal with chronic pain. I would rather chop my arm off, or go through months of more chemo. Chronic pain FOREVER? Nah, I’ll pass.
When people tell you that cancer is a rollercoaster of emotions, they literally are not kidding. I could walk around during the day and go from happy to sad in about .5 seconds. I could truly be in the middle of laughing and it switches to crying so god damn fast. Like today for example, this morning I woke up slightly in a better mood than normal cause it was my first night’s sleep without the drains, which is something I’ll get to later. Then I had a mani pedi which I have been thinking about all week. I haven’t had a real mani pedi since this all began and I was truly missing out on life. I feel like I deserve to get a pedicure every day for the next four months to make up for the lack of them in my life recently. It was amazing and I loved every second of it. The manicure was great but my arms really hurt from holding them out for that long. Seems like such a little thing people do all day, hold their arms out to type on a computer or get a manicure but my arms are so tired now I can barely keep them up to write this blog. So, I came home and I cried and a little later I stopped crying and now I’m here. In my seat on the rollercoaster waiting for the drop or the climb. I think the drop is coming soon as I remember the rest of the news I received last week.
I went to see my oncologist from Sloan on Friday to check in with how everything was going a month out from chemo. My blood count looked good, my doctor said I looked tired but whatever. Then we went into my surgery results and what my future holds. Like I said no doctor has an answer but my oncologist believes taking out the rest of the lymph nodes deserves a conversation. BYE YOU CAN HAVE THAT CONVERSATION WITH A WALL I’M OUT. Anyway, she did say she was “disappointed” with the pathology results of the surgery. Yes, she used the word disappointed which was disappointing to hear. Like I’ve said in the past, it’s hard to think that this isn’t all my fault so of course I immediately went to WHAT SHOULD I HAVE DONE. But there is nothing I could have done, this is just fate. She said she wished that the chemo worked better in that it shrunk my tumor more and it eliminated the cancer in the lymph nodes. This clearly wasn’t the result which is the reason for her disappointed. I shockingly kept a pretty stone-cold face when this conversation was happening but then it moved on to future plans. I asked what medications I needed to take moving forward and she let me know I needed to continue getting the Lupron injections and thinks I should also start taking Letrizole pills every day. This will continue to shut down my ovaries as well as decrease any other estrogen in my body to avoid reoccurrence. Then the fun question “How long?” …ten years TEN YEARS. I repeated ten years back to her probably five times while hysterically crying. To go back to “How is this not over yet?” well cutie pie, it’s not going to really be over for TEN YEARS. To say I’m sad is an understatement, I didn’t even start taking the Letrizole pills yet as they sit on my counter because I don’t want to let this happen, also because I need to get a second opinion. The side effects of taking both of these medications are literally the side effects of someone going through menopause. Hair loss, weight gain, hot flashes, decreased bone density, etc. Everything I’ve already gone through with chemo just a little subsided but for TEN YEARS. What garbage person let this happen to me. As I sat there crying, my oncologist ALSO STARTED CRYING. Great, how fun this is for all of us. I know that the medications change all the time and she even said there are conversations to be had down the road, like if I want kids or yadda yadda. I’m not sure, I zoned out and was just trying to force myself to stop crying at this point, because apparently when I cry my doctor cries and if my doctor cries there’s no way my baby of parents are not crying. And now here I am crying in real time. UGH, just let this be over! I still sometimes hope I’m going to wake up and someone’s gonna be like “JUST KIDDING BITCH.” I promise I won’t even be mad.
On a happy note, with all of your help I was able to raise $12,757 for the Avon 39: The Walk To End Breast Cancer and New York raised an incredible $6.4 million total! That is wonderful and I really thank all of you who donated and supported me with this. I obviously wasn’t able to walk this year but me and my mom did go on Friday to check in and we went to the base camp on Saturday to show our support. It was extremely overwhelming and I really didn’t even want to go back on Saturday because I was SUPER emotional on Friday. You should have seen the amount of people that were there, it was insane. It was also the day after I got all that not so fun news regarding radiation so I was not in a great place emotionally to begin with. There were people with signs while signing up that read “I’m $xxx short of my goal, please help me.” The fifth one I saw I broke down going “what do we do?!?!” and apparently the lady in front of me assumed this would be a good time to strike up a conversation with us “where ya from?” I have never cried into the face of a true stranger before but it happened on Friday, SORRY LADY! It’s heartwarming but also heart breaking to see that many people there, I’m sure most of them had someone effected by this so it’s really sad that it was so crowded. We’re going to try and actually walk it next year, something to check off my list.
Time for some more stretches so I can get back into yoga poses ASAP.
Until next time
xoxo
Kim